Today I wanted to write about friendship. I don't have many "real" friends. I can count on one hand the number of "real" friends I've had in my life. I have acquaintances. I have work friends. I have my family. Growing up, my sisters and my mother were my closest friends overall. They were always there, and I knew I could always confide in them with mostly anything and with very little judgment in tow. Now that I'm an adult and I've moved away from home, I have a lot of people I get close to temporarily and then we grow apart. I don't know if it's because I'm a flake or because I don't trust people, or what (it's because I'm a flake). In the end, I find myself surrounded with all of these awesome people that I just can't or won't commit to, and the ones that I always do commit to end up being the same type of person: the kind that need all of my attention all of the time. I don't know what it is about me that draws me toward this type of person, but I wish I would stop. I try to be everything to these friends, and in the end I feel like I can't be anything to anyone. Sometimes I feel so guilty about not being there every waking second for my friends in their respective times of need. Other times I feel like I overstep my bounds in being there too much, for some people. And then there are other times when I have to step back and realize that I do have my own life, my own job, my own relationship, and my own problems that I have to tend to, and I have no friends to talk to them about because all of my friends (that I would talk to about the intimate details of my life anyway) are in a seemingly perpetual state of meltdown, so I have nobody to vent to or confide in, other than my grandmother - she's the one stable rock that's always there for me with a fresh perspective. I'm sure there is a psychological reason for this, but I'm sure I don't know what it is. I'll call it Friend Disorder. At the onset of my writing this post, I really wanted this to be an empowering post for my friends in need, now I fear that I might have stepped on some toes. That wasn't my intention. I love you all (obviously). I'm not talking about any one specific person, so please don't feel guilty or take this wrong if you think I'm writing about you - I'm not. I wish I could be a better friend to you all with some solutions for your issues to make them better, but I don't have answers. All I can do is listen and be supportive in whatever you do, and tell you when I think you're being a dumb ass (hopefully I'll be nicer than that). I guess that's what makes me a lukewarm friend.